ughh i hate it when i get home from work and remember that there’s one little thing that I forgot to do before I left.
Also I’m worried that year 3 is going way too fast and I won’t learn anything properly.
Title pretty much says it all. I went from holidays, having all this time and no stress, to having no time and all the stress. and now i really wanna exercise and there’s not enough time. and procrastination is happening and blahhh.
Also why would she ring up for a half an hour conversation after making barely any conversation in person during the day. why does she toy with my emotions!! D:
So it all started with work a few months ago (at least I think it did, actually it probably started with exams being mega stressed), I did something silly or didn’t work quite fast enough, and then I got really anxious that I’d get fired or something. Ever since then, the anxiety has gotten worse and worse. Not really like all the time thing, more just like little things that I say or do, I worry about to the extreme when I used to not really care at all. Or maybe I just never used to make faux-pas as much as I do now. Either way, I’m catastrophising every little thing.
For example: I’ve been sending emails back and forward between me and this person I’m working with on the camp. Yesterday I sent her a volley of emails that I’m sure must’ve been annoying, so today I titled the new email thread “Another annoying set of emails about finance” and then I sent her like 4 dot points in one email.
She replied in a not really that out of character short form, but it’s still enough to make me think “Did I offend her with that sort of a title? Does she know I’m referring to myself and not her with that kind of a title since we’re both treasurers? Does she think I don’t like my position here? Cos I do like it. ahhhh i better email her back quick to fix it. Maybe I’ll just tell her tomorrow in person.” and you know what. I probably will clear it up tomorrow in person because I can’t stand something like that going unaddressed.
Just finished reading 1984 by George Orwell.
Such a good book, really interesting learning about what some peoples vision of a dystopian society would look like.
So I’ve been feeling myself drifting a little bit from God ever since I had a talk with some people (agnostics) about God and why I believe in him. They asked my why I believe in him and why they or anyone should, and I couldn’t give them an answer that they could accept, most of it was personal testimony of God working in my life but not something that they really believed. Kinda discouraging. Really discouraging. It made me question whether I really believe in God and it’s something that really been weighing on me, pretty much pushing me away from God.
But just talking to someone in the car about them getting baptised and how they believe in God and stuff has really just reminded me of how good God is. It was from a really unlikely person and it was a really random thing to come up but I guess that that’s just how God works, in unlikely and random ways.
I’m still searching for a lot of answers. I still have so many questions and I guess a little bit of doubt. But hopefully (as a friend once referred me to in the bible): Doubts are good for us if they inspire us to search for answers. Those doubts I had did not inspire me to look for answers. They inspired me to become lazy in my faith. To believe in him less. I need to search for answers.
I’m hoping to build on why I believe in God, but I guess you need to start from somewhere:
I believe that God in heaven is the Father of all creation, that Jesus is his son and came down to Earth to die on the cross and redeem us of our sins, and that we are all saved from eternal damnation because of it. God has worked on me throughout my christian life (which didn’t really start until I was like in my midteens) and helped me out of some tough situations, even if I didn’t see it at the time. Starting with some of the first ones I can remember, when I was about 17 I went out and got screwed over by this girl, wasn’t fun, and I held a lot of resentment for her for a while. It took about 6 months but at a camp I went to for church, I decided that it was time to forgive her, and if I wanted to be more like who God says that he is, especially in his forgiving attitude, then I needed to forgive this girl of breaking my stupid little emotional teenage heart (because I’m definitely more mature now lol). So when I was worshipping God that day I forgave her, I don’t think she knew I held anything against her but it was definitely a big part of it. I may have lapsed here and there later when further drama happened with this same girl, but hey I’m only human (worst excuse ever I know).
So that was a thing.
Then I started to go out with this other chick, that was a much longer relationship and because she was non-christian (essentially) I started to become like that in my behaviour and mindset too. I don’t know whether that’s a normal thing or it’s because I was or am kinda weak in reverting to non-christian ways but yeah. During the period before we broke up in the couple of months there, I started to have these horrible and uncontrollable thoughts for which I initially thought was some sort of demon speaking evil things into my mind, but after a while of seeing a psychologist from church, realised that it was probably just me and that I can control these thoughts. So gradually over the next month and what is still ongoing, I learn to control it. I seem to be getting off topic but the point of saying that was that at first I blamed God and got angry at him for firstly not helping my thought thing and secondly letting this relationship I had disintegrate.
I now of course realise that: Letting me control the thoughts, although it took me going through what was undoubtedly the worst experience of my life, has made my mind stronger, my willpower more intense, my focus more one-minded - which is probably exactly what he wanted for me.
Also that letting the relationship die with this non-christian was heartbreaking but overall probably a good thing because over the last 2 years (since the breakup) I’ve been developing a much better mindset towards God and how that needs to come first, not other things in my life, especially crushes and loves of girls and other stuff.
Overall message of that little segment, something I remember from church:Before you can be refined into gold, you must first go through the fire.
This is a kind of jumbled/ranty version of why I believe in God, just saying stuff as I see God acting throughout my life, but I’ll refine it more as I go along.
Further objective: Re-start devotional time with God everyday.
Perks of being a wallflower.
Actually one of my favourite movies.